asking for help
dispatch 37
hello friends!
Today’s send isn’t going to be very polished (to be fair, it’s never very polished but expect LESS polish than usual!) I’m in the morning of the fifth day of a five day vacation from work. During these days time has stretched and wound back on itself, giving me more space than I anticipated to breathe. I’ve been tending to myself with food and rest and herbs and movement. The sun is shining today and I can’t wait to get out into it.
How are you all doing out there? Every friend I chat with lately seems to be going through a moment of self-doubt or of struggle to get their feet back under them. If that’s you, you’re not alone. If that’s you, you deserve love and support. In the moments when we struggle, it becomes so damn easy to move away from our support systems and isolate. I definitely do that often. So consider this a gentle push to text one friend today, to set up one Zoom call or coffee date, to ask for one bit of help. Things shift eventually, but getting to that shift is easier together.
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asking for help
This weekend I started watching Pretend It’s a City, the Scorcese docu-series on Fran Lebowitz and New York City. The series starts with Fran's response to a question from the audience at an event, about whether people in the streets of New York City bother her. Her “yes” comes before the question is even complete. She goes on to say she should write a manifesto entitled “Pretend it’s a city.” The idea being that people should operate on the assumption that this is a complex ecosystem in motion, rather than a tourist attraction where residents exist as props. The show itself is worth a watch if you enjoy watching older lesbians complain, which happens to be my personal love language. But the show has also influenced my creative work in that I am…pretending it’s a book. Let me explain.
I have wanted to write a book for a long time over which I’ve had some starts and stops, operating on the misguided idea that to avoid finishing meant avoiding failure. This week I printed out all of my essays and spread them across the floor. I was surprised by how much there was. But rather than be proud of how consistently I’ve written over the last few years, all I saw was incohesion. I couldn’t find the thread that wove through it all, the thread that might somehow form a book or the idea of a book.
I spent an entire frustrating day making list after list, cutting and sorting and staring and writing on the printed essays. Instead of, as my partner prompted me, finding joy in not knowing, I could only see inadequacy, and for about twenty-four hours I wallowed in it.
I had plenty of excuses ready, their edges worn smooth with years of my frequent handling: I have zero confidence in my writing. I’m embarrassed that I still don’t really understand grammar (For the love of Freya, why in the fuck are there two slightly different length dashes that I am supposed to learn the meaning of during this, my one precious life?). I don’t have any formal schooling around writing which makes me feel unqualified. I have never been in a writing group or taken a workshop.
In a culture of trigger-finger self deprecation, taking ourselves seriously is considered somewhat embarrassing. Wanting things earnestly is also considered a bit embarrassing. And well, I think I am just about ready to be embarrassing. Something I learned in getting sober is that excuses are excuses until you get a little bit bored with them and they start to sound hollow to even your own ears. I’m finally there. If my fear is being inexperienced, avoiding any of the things that might make me more experienced seems counterproductive.
I could not have gotten sober without community, and I don’t think I can write a book without community either. So I’m taking this moment to humbly seek creative community.
Do you have a writing project you’re working on that could use some accountability or readers? I might not be able to help you in the grammar department, but I can promise you consistent, honest feedback!
Here’s what I need:
A writing buddy (or buddies) willing to give me honest feedback on the structure and direction of an essay or collection of essays.
Someone who is okay with fairly low-lift accountability (Maybe a weekly text or email check in? Maybe the occasional Zoom? Maybe we just send things when we have them?)
Grammar guidance, not grammar policing (Because do we really need more policing? No, chaps of all genders, we do not!)
If I feel blocked or frustrated I can tend to delve *emotionally* into Paul-Rudd-cleaning-up-his-tray territory (with endless props to Max for bringing this clip onto my personal feelings wheel)…so I’m hoping to have a space where my dramatics are not validated and I’m instead pointed back to work
Here’s what I can provide:
Gentle accountability for just getting work done
Acting as an early (or late!) stage reader and offering honest, clear feedback on structure, content, and direction
Being your creative hype-person!
Helping you to find resources, references, or other things you might need to support your work of creative journey
Creative inspiration…I read and watch a lot of things and I am good at shaking myself and others out of creative ruts!
My personal project is a book of essays (already written and new) which I’m hoping to have finished in the next year or so, but I’ll also be writing this newsletter in the process. I’d love to support you in your work, whatever it is. If you’re interested, send an email my way (just reply here) or add a comment.
Assorted, rad things:
A section of this newsletter where I share what I have been reading, watching, or otherwise consuming lately.
Millennials are Killing Capitalism podcast: Specifically the four episodes with Zoharah Simmons and Michael Simmons in conversation around Dan Berger’s book Stayed on Freedom: The Long History of Black Power Through One Family’s Journey. I love that this podcast doesn’t cut conversations short but gives us more episodes. This conversation goes from Civil Rights work with SNCC in the Jim Crow South to work with Quakers to prison abolition, against the backdrop of one couple’s individual and collective work. I can’t wait to read the book.
The Mohawk Warrior Society: A Handbook on Sovereignty and Survival by Louis Karoniaktajeh Hall • Edited by Kahentinetha Rotiskarewake, Philippe Blouin, Matt Peterson, and Malek Rasamny: Received this one in my PM Press subscription and cannot recommend it enough. Covering the formation, history, and impact of the Rotisken'rhakéhte (or Mohawk Warrior Society, as they were strategically known in English) on Indigenous sovereignty movements and actions through the 60s and 70s. Every word of this book made me realize yet again how much history I don’t know.
Move your DNA podcast with Katy Bowman: I just started listening to past episodes of this pod last week and I am really digging it so far. (There’s some food/weight stuff occasionally I just take what works for me and leave the rest.) A biomechanist perspective on movement that focuses on things like joint strength and flexibility, walking, foot health. and more. I used to wreck myself at the gym most days of the week, and somehow that felt easy to me. It’s the gentle stuff that I struggle with, and it’s the gentle stuff that I need. This pod is helping.
with love,
lisa
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