Last day thoughts
dispatch 48a
Hi pals!
Today’s newsletter is going to be a little different in that it will be pretty informal and more of a thought tornado than a polished essay. Are my essays ever polished? Jury is out! But this one will be less so. I wanted to let you in on a little of my behind-the-scenes happenings as I make some changes in my life that feel big in the moment.
Last day thoughts
My Co-Star today says “Try not to waste your time on people who act like you don’t exist.” This is both rude and entirely typical of Co-Star, which tends to personally victimize me on at least a weekly basis. It is 11:21 a.m. on my last day at my current full-time job. In a few weeks, I will be 6 years sober. Nine days later I will turn a calendar year older.
When I quit my job I was offered the raise and promotion I have been asking and advocating for for a year. They said they did not know it was urgent. “Try not to waste your time on people who act like you don’t exist.” I guess I didn’t have any more time to waste. One of my most annoying traits is how I can see the claws of capitalism as they sink into my skin, but I will still try my hardest to be the teacher’s pet. It’s automatic: I want to be good. I want to be affirmed. I want to overstay my welcome in an attempt to make you recognize my worth. If I just say or do the right thing, try even harder, do even more…maybe you will see me. Maybe if you do, I will see myself. I don’t identify with the job that I hold anymore, but I still want the affirmation of those around me. I want them to look at me and think that I am doing things *correctly*, that most rigid of constructs.
This is not the letting go of a singular job, but instead a letting go of a way of seeing my place in this world, a letting go of this way of evaluating my worth. I am trying to see what I can build in the place where my fear has lived, gathering strength, for as long as I can remember. Who am I when I am not striving? Who am I when I do not have a boss to impress?
I do not have another full-time job to move into. I am going out on my own as a consultant, though I never saw myself as a business owner. I will see if it is feasible to build a life that is not centered around work. Instead of a higher salary, I will seek more free time to do what matters to me and to spend with those I love. I will find out what enough is.
As a person who has navigated the letting go of multiple forms of addictive consumption and behavior, I know what it is to let things go that feel like they are deeply embedded in me. I know that sometimes our ways of acting and being can feel less like something to release and more like something to cleave from violently. What I am trying to say is that I know how to curl the fingers of both hands around the soft edges of the thing and pull until I feel the seam rip, somewhere between my heart and my stomach, the home of all of my unease.
There is a story that I tell myself: My parents are immigrants and so my DNA is encoded to believe that a full-time job with benefits equals stability and goodness. You are not *supposed to* quit your job without another lined up. But this story isn’t the truth. My grandmother worked for herself throughout her long career as a house cleaner, my father still does as an electrician. My mother had a long-term side business of selling small antiques. I come from a people who can be scrappy when we need to be, who tend to bristle at an authority that isn’t our own. I come from people who have had to make their own security, over and over again.
And as I move through this rollercoaster of new experiences, I am questioning the myth of security that I have created for myself. I was laid off from my last job at the exact moment that I started to be paid reasonably, at a time when I was surpassing my goals by all metrics. Nothing is stable or guaranteed, so maybe stability is not the thing I need to be seeking right now. [Note: I am a partnered person with no kiddos or dependents…I know that this is a privileged perspective and do not fault anyone for seeking a version of stability in this shitty capitalist hellscape for any reason].
A common irony of the formerly drunk is how we tended to struggle with our finances while always being able to find money for booze. That is addiction, but it is also something else. People who have experienced addiction are resourceful. We figure it out. Was that not survival? Would I make the same choices I made back then? I hope not. But I know that I can trust in my ability to take care of myself. What’s more, I can trust that I am not alone. That my community my friends and my partner are here to support me, just as I am there to support them.
Recovery has taught me that there is no art to letting go. Sometimes you just have to make the scariest change you can possibly imagine and hope for the best. You have to trust in your ability to figure out something new on unfamiliar terrain. So t
oday I’ll close my computer, I’ll go for a little walk to the creek, I’ll breathe in deeply and I’ll let it all go.
That’s all for today friends, I’ll see you next week for a late post to celebrate 6 years sober. Here’s your reminder to take a breath, drink a glass of water, or grab a snack when you close this page. Just some little gesture of kindness just for you.
with big big big love,
lisa
Happy last day, love! I’m proud of you, as ever & always